Today, I cried

By nature, I am not a crier. I didn’t cry when I got married. I didn’t cry when any of my kids were born. It’s just not my emotional response and I’m ok with that. Hubs always thought it was kinda funny. He could probably count on one hand how many times he has seen me cry.

But today, I cried. In the parking lot of preschool. I cried because I am so tired. I slept 90 minutes last night because my baby needed me. I cried because my two best friends were there trying to help me and I don’t even know where to start with what help I need. I cried because another mom gave me a hug and told me that this is the hard part. She is right. I cried because I was a shitty mom to my two big kids because I have zero ounces of patience left in me. I cried because this is hard. I cried because just before this, my amazing aunt and uncle told me they were coming to help me later in the week. And I need that help like I need air. I need to breathe.

Then, I put my big girl (yoga) pants on and got it together. I got the baby sorta down and made an awesome (make up) lunch for my big kids. And then the baby lost it. Not being able to soothe your crying baby takes A LOT out of you. I got him calmed and I made my way back to school.

B was a hot mess. He had a rough day at school and I started tearing up as soon as his wonderful teacher told me that he didn’t listen all day. Enter: mom guilt. My brain: I was not good enough of a mom today, so he was bad at school. As I attempt to wrangle all three out, B wet noodled in the hallway at school and I had to pick him up by his coat. Enter M, the most kind and caring woman who directs the preschool and has become like a family member to us in the 2 years we have been at the school. She picked him up, carried him to the car through the icy parking lot nonetheless, and loved on my kids like they are her own. And then I cried. I cried because I need M in my life. And come February, I won’t have M in my life because our preschool sold. Once every 20 ish years, brilliant places like our school sell, and it’s not always a good thing.

I can barely hold the tears back (me, the non crier) about M not coming back. Someone came in, and ripped the heart and soul from the school. And pissed a lot of people off while doing it. This unicorn of a school is no longer. Because someone thinks they know better. And didn’t stop to see the magic that is our school. And likely never will. Beauty, as we know, is in the eye of the beholder.

And as I sit here writing this, I can’t help but think about how much the staff at this school has given my family. And again, I tear up. Because next year, my daughter can’t finish her last year of preschool with her friends because with the new ownership changes, it no longer works with our schedule needs and budget needs. Because my heart hurts that what was supposed to be 7 years of preschool for my three kids with the teachers I love was cut short after 2 years. Because after over a decade in education, I finally felt it from the parent side.

I learned this week that:

-Crying, though an odd feeling for me, is good for the soul. It helped me prioritize and put life in perspective.

-I had no idea the impact I had on students until I became a parent.

-A business is a business but it’s the people that keep your heart (and your wallet!) where it needs to be.

-We are forever indebted to the staff at ETC preschool for helping make this mom thing a whole lot better and teaching my kids what it means to be kind, loyal, and bright little beings.

-I need more sleep. Oh wait, I already knew that one!

The Mouse and The Spider

Its been a long 48 hours over here in Finn-land. (Which, by the way I wish we lived in Finland law with their boastful maternity jazz but that’s a separate post!) Hubs has been home past bedtime for the last two nights, so mama is tired. Solo parenting for going on lots of hours. Like any logical mom of three under four years old, I plan my day according to two things: how many times I need to get the troop in the car, and eating times for 3 beings, one still on the buuuuub. Sprinkle a “back pocket” that makes mommy sane in there, and you have a successful mom-arathon.

In case you were wondering, this is the feeding schedule at the Finn Zoo… er… I mean house.

  • 5am- C feed
  • 7am- C feed
  • 7:30- Big Kid Breakfast
  • 9:30- C feed and Big Kid snacks
  • 11:30- Big Kid snack again
  • Noon- C feed, Big Kid lunch
  • 1pm- big kid drinks before naps/lock in room time
  • 3pm- C feed, big kid snack
  • 4- C comfort nurse time
  • 5- Dinner if you know what’s good for you, mom!
  • 6pm- C feed
  • 7pm- Big kid “I need water 800 times”
  • 11pm- C feed
  • 1am- C feed

I woke up today to silence. I was on a 1 hour and 15 minute stretch (hellllllo reflux, colic, and 4 month sleep regression shitstorm). I glanced at my clock and it was 7:15am. And no one was awake. OMG FOR REAL?!? No, not for real. Hubs forgot to plug in the monitors, so I was tricked into thinking I had reached mom nirvana. So I snapped out of bed, put my big girl pants on… I mean yoga pants… and got to the morning.

We zoomed to stroller strides with a “car breakfast”. Basically, a way to make loading the car easier. We got these awesome bento boxes from Innobaby and I had those loaded with french toast and bananas and sent them into their seats. We had an awesome workout with our friends (who keep me sane), did a quick stop at Target drive up. (Google this if you don’t already do it… It saves me from being a walking circus in Target and it also saves me from buying #allthethings), and came home to put C down for a nap. I ended up having two calls that lasted well into naptime for the big kids, so we went down late.

And I have my “back pocket” in the back of my mind ALL DAY. See, moms do this. We have a bank of crap that we say “When you get up from your nap… or After school we will…. or When you finish that page we will…”. Yesterday, it was a new play place that we were going to whether or not any of the things happened, but I used it as my “if” for the day. Well, today, my “back pocket” was a book for each big kid that I have been saving. They love reading and I love reading to them. So I got the books out at bedtime and gave them each one before heading up. (We actually read B’s before even going up) I handed S hers on the stairs and we headed up.

After pajamas, brushed teeth, lots of rocking of C, we all (including C) went to S’s room to read the new book. Only problem was that there is no new book. In all the craziness of getting three tiny humans upstairs, it was lost. We never found the book, but the absolute best part of the whole crazy night was that when I asked S where it was, she said “It was by the corner of the loft- maybe a mouse or a spider took it!”. I. was. dying. That sweet little girl has an imagination like no other, and problem solving abilities (albeit slightly not accurate, though we did have a mouse issue at one point). Still, no new book.

Que absolute meltdown by S, B, and C. So we read Fancy Nancy for the 389646298 time and called it a night.

So I learned that:

  • I need a backup “back pocket” for when my originals get lost.
  • S hears everything and probably thinks pretty hard about it all, hence the mouse.
  • Working out needs to happen daily. I wouldn’t laugh so hard at #momlife if I didn’t have my workouts.
  • My upstairs is a mess and I need to clean it. Not only so I can find the book.
  • Read the Fancy Nancy book for the 375549576 time. Even if it makes you distraught. Thats fancy for PISSED OFF.

This is how I work from home, in case you were wondering. That marker in S’s hand was on more places than the white board. Shocking, I know.