Today, I cried

By nature, I am not a crier. I didn’t cry when I got married. I didn’t cry when any of my kids were born. It’s just not my emotional response and I’m ok with that. Hubs always thought it was kinda funny. He could probably count on one hand how many times he has seen me cry.

But today, I cried. In the parking lot of preschool. I cried because I am so tired. I slept 90 minutes last night because my baby needed me. I cried because my two best friends were there trying to help me and I don’t even know where to start with what help I need. I cried because another mom gave me a hug and told me that this is the hard part. She is right. I cried because I was a shitty mom to my two big kids because I have zero ounces of patience left in me. I cried because this is hard. I cried because just before this, my amazing aunt and uncle told me they were coming to help me later in the week. And I need that help like I need air. I need to breathe.

Then, I put my big girl (yoga) pants on and got it together. I got the baby sorta down and made an awesome (make up) lunch for my big kids. And then the baby lost it. Not being able to soothe your crying baby takes A LOT out of you. I got him calmed and I made my way back to school.

B was a hot mess. He had a rough day at school and I started tearing up as soon as his wonderful teacher told me that he didn’t listen all day. Enter: mom guilt. My brain: I was not good enough of a mom today, so he was bad at school. As I attempt to wrangle all three out, B wet noodled in the hallway at school and I had to pick him up by his coat. Enter M, the most kind and caring woman who directs the preschool and has become like a family member to us in the 2 years we have been at the school. She picked him up, carried him to the car through the icy parking lot nonetheless, and loved on my kids like they are her own. And then I cried. I cried because I need M in my life. And come February, I won’t have M in my life because our preschool sold. Once every 20 ish years, brilliant places like our school sell, and it’s not always a good thing.

I can barely hold the tears back (me, the non crier) about M not coming back. Someone came in, and ripped the heart and soul from the school. And pissed a lot of people off while doing it. This unicorn of a school is no longer. Because someone thinks they know better. And didn’t stop to see the magic that is our school. And likely never will. Beauty, as we know, is in the eye of the beholder.

And as I sit here writing this, I can’t help but think about how much the staff at this school has given my family. And again, I tear up. Because next year, my daughter can’t finish her last year of preschool with her friends because with the new ownership changes, it no longer works with our schedule needs and budget needs. Because my heart hurts that what was supposed to be 7 years of preschool for my three kids with the teachers I love was cut short after 2 years. Because after over a decade in education, I finally felt it from the parent side.

I learned this week that:

-Crying, though an odd feeling for me, is good for the soul. It helped me prioritize and put life in perspective.

-I had no idea the impact I had on students until I became a parent.

-A business is a business but it’s the people that keep your heart (and your wallet!) where it needs to be.

-We are forever indebted to the staff at ETC preschool for helping make this mom thing a whole lot better and teaching my kids what it means to be kind, loyal, and bright little beings.

-I need more sleep. Oh wait, I already knew that one!