Mom Guilt

The mom guilt is REAL. Last night, I finished up working/doing taxes (barf) around 9:20pm. As I finished, I suddenly missed the kids. I had just put them down at 7:30, so what the heck was wrong with me? I sat there for a minute and realized that this week was rough. Yes, I had my kids with me for the majority but I wasn’t totally with them. Let me explain. Sunday through Thursday, I had worked a lot. I work in small pockets here and there and sometimes (like Monday) I work through the entire day, pausing only to clean up s–t or diapered toilets and make lunch. Other days, I work during naps, after bedtime, during paw patrol, and of course when M is here. Any small business owner will tell you that the end of the month is hectic. Mine was nothing short of a hectic mess! The list keeps getting things added to it without much subtracted. 

I sat and reflected on what my week looked like. It was a mess. I lost my patience on more than one occasion. I had to choose between work and my kids more than once. I drank enough coffee to fuel the entire staff of the Motorola Corporate offices for 3 weeks. My kids were clothed, semi clean, and well fed for the week, but I missed them. I was disconnected for the better part of the week. Add in the fact that I am #tiredasamother because B still thinks he is a newborn–  I am exhausted by the time the kiddos heads hit the pillow. 

I got super mom-sad when I realized that work probably needs to be the one that gets the lesser attention. Not my S and B. So this morning, I came downstairs early and got everything packed to go. I sat on the couch and watched the sky change for 10 minutes and decided that today, I would put my babies first. I would disconnect for the day and spend it loving on my tiny humans. I was going to whisk them away to breakfast as soon as they were dressed followed by a playgroup at Main Street with all of their Stroller Strides friends. WITHOUT MY PHONE AND EMAIL.

Side note: last week, S told me at one point “Mama, you call Miss L on the phone all the time.” She was right. I spend more time talking to L, who is my colleague, friend, and the wise lady who guided me into blogging. Small Business ownership can be isolating at times on the leadership side, so I am lucky to have L and some other amazing women in the region who support each other. I’m waiting for the day when S asks if Miss L is my therapist. 

As soon as I heard a peep, I went into S’s room to find her cuddling her bear, Barrett (Bear Necessities Pediatric Cancer Foundation Mascot). She told me that he likes to cuddle on her chest like she likes to cuddle on my chest like when she was a baby. (insert tears here) I tell her that we are going to get chocolate chip pancakes and apple juice for breakfast at a restaurant and then go play with all of her friends. Her reply: “Ok, and then we go Target!” #sheismine She insisted on wearing her Rapunzel dress, and you know what, it is darn cute and she wore it like a BOSS! 

After getting B up, we left. Like immediately. We went to the Buffalo where I took my phone out once to snap some pics. That was it. I spent over a full hour enjoying my kids and letting them buffet off of all of the plates. They were both in their glory. They ate enough for a linebacker. B ate 2 eggs, sucked a piece of bacon to death with his no-teeth, and all of the cheese out of my omelette. S ate 4 chocolate chip pancakes, an egg, bacon, and an english muffin. She told every single person there that she went to the dentist this week, and she hammed it up for me, telling me that she loved me like 15 times. Kid, you already got the chocolate for breakfast but I will take it!

I let them run around at Stroller Strides after class and they were in their glory. S had no shoes on and B talked to everyone who would listen. My favorite part was B running up to Soul Sister J, for her to pick him up. My kids love J as much as I do. She is their second mom. He missed her and it was very clear that he was happy to be wrapped up in her arms. I know undoubtedly that I would not be who I am without my friendship with J, and neither would my kids. We came home and I sat with them and read. I made them lunch and we ate together. This whole time, I stayed connected to them. And we all loved it. And guess what? Work waited. There is plenty of work to do still, but S and B aren’t going to stay this little and sweet for long. I wanted to soak these babies up all day. 

And you know what? My kids went down for naps and nighttime easier, fought less, shared more, and kissed me and told me they loved me more. Because I was connected. Fully connected. Not just in the room. S doesn’t cuddle much during the day, so she needs it at night. When I slow down and spend that contact time with her during the day, she doesn’t need as much at night. (insert more mom tears here) Parenting little ones is hard. Its easy to get lost in all of the other things that go on. But when it comes down to it, find the time to disconnect from work, social media, and whatever else it is that fills the rest of your cup up. I needed today. My kids needed today. Sometimes it takes gorgeous morning and missing your babies to make you realize that you need to plug back in…. to the little guys who matter the most.