We found out we were pregnant with S exactly 2 weeks after our wedding. That morning, I turned to my fresh hubs and said “We need to go right now to get prenatal vitamins and a book of some sort.” I was freaked out to say the least. And thus began the endless list of my imagination allowing me to slowly become a parent. It was like a transformation from who I’ve been to a mom was taking place in a really fast time period. We went to Barnes and Noble and to Walgreens and got my requests. Holy crap. Now what? It’s a holding pattern until that first appointment. So the list begins. Crap I will and won’t do as a parent.
I will use these organic diapers- they are pricier so they must be better. Plus, they have a subscription service. She s–t through EVERY SINGLE DIAPER today. Get me all the Luvs diapers they have. Something HAS to contain the poop! I could never let my kid cry. 2am: “Turn that F—ing monitor off, hubs- he is 16 months old and has to self soothe at some point!” She won’t keep the pacifier past age 1. “Here’s your paci, 2.5 year old.” All organic and nothing processed. Yesterday, S ate a goldfish that was in the tricycle cup holder in the garage since fall. B ate powdered mac and cheese for every meal including breakfast one day last week because #teething. I’ll never lose my patience with my kid. As I shut the office door to scream, I hope that I’ve put Paw Patrol on loud enough. Speaking of TV- no screen time until after two. (insert lots of laughter, knee slaps and tears). I will never want to leave my career as it is today. Current day- completely separate career and it all started with the need to be at home with my babies more. I will keep my kids as germ free as possible which means having the tiny thing of hand sanitizer hanging from my diaper bag. The dog ate that at 3 weeks postpartum. We didn’t even consider one when B was born.
I don’t know if I had this vision of rocking the baby in a pram while she slept peacefully and then played softly while we cuddled and laughed or something. Maybe I had the vision where I’m covered in puke and pee by 9am and can barely function because I have reheated my coffee 18 times. Maybe somewhere in-between. But becoming a mom makes you create this list of how you are going to be a parent and what the magic will look like when that sweetness is here. And then the baby is born and you throw all that crap out the window.
Last week, I was struggling to get B into Bertha and S was running around the garage. I had him just about strapped into his seat, and I glanced over at S. She was using a NASTY old plunger from the garbage to clean Bertha. I paused for a moment and had a brief moment of “GERMS!”. And then saw her using her imagination to clean the car and I also saw a moment of peace for me. She was holding the wooden end thank goodness. So she plunged the car, I got B in, and I even got another load of 18 sippy cups into the car so that my kids don’t get dehydrated on the way to target. (I digress) The point is, prenatal AF would have said that was NEVER going to happen in her house and probably would have been slightly judgey about the mom letting her kid plunge the car. I at least threw out the plunger for good. That girl has a 6th sense for things that clean a toilet… even in the garbage. (sigh)
We all do it. We do things and say things that we never thought possible in the time we now know as BC (Before Children). BC AF was showered daily, hair done every 6 weeks, fresh, well tailored clothing and accessories to match. She was a show pony of a single gal and proud to spend time making it that way. AC AF showers sometimes, gets hair done biannually in a good year, wears leggings and t-shirts, doesn’t have accessories because the children have hidden or broken it all, and hasn’t bought something without lycra in it in 3 years.
That is the beauty of being a parent. You learn as you go and it takes a whole lot longer than those 9 months to morph into the next chapter. I would imagine that the second coming of BC AF will happen at some point, but she will be a different version. One who has seen her daughter eat goldfish off the floor, witnessed her son play in pee water, yelled at her dogs for eating diapers, and lived to tell about it. These things that we see and say we would never do ACTUALLY round us out. There is no perfect, but everything about the shortest season of our lives is beautiful. What have you said you would never do but totally do?